Drive-in Classic 1 of 50: I WONDER WHO'S KILLING HER NOW?

Disclaimer: Although I'm titling this post with "Drive-in Classic 1 of 50," 1975's I Wonder Who's Killing Her Now?, directed by Steven Hilliard Stern, is not actually the first movie in the Mill Creek 50 Movie Pack: Drive-in Classics DVD set. It's just the one I decided to watch first, based mostly on the title.

The title, of course, is a goof on the old song I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now. My initial assumption was that this would be a really bad thriller with a high body count. But as soon as I pressed PLAY, that belief was challenged. An animated opening title sequence? A credit that reads "Starring Bill Dana?" Could this be... a... comedy?

(Bill Dana, by the way, is a comedian best known for playing a Mexican character named José Jimenez, who ranks somewhere near the Frito Banditio in terms of political correctness.)

And it is indeed a comedy, or at least it thinks it is. It starts out promisingly enough, but about halfway through the tone changes, and the whole thing becomes really, really stupid.

THE STORY:

Jordan Oliver (I thought maybe this was Bill Dana, but no, it's Bob Dishy) is married to a wealthy, frigid woman named Clarice, and he works for her father's company. Jordan just has one little flaw as an employee: He's been stealing from the company for years. His supervisor tells him he has just 30 days to repay the $250,000 he's stolen, so he plans to ask his wife for help. But it's not Jordan's lucky day, because when he gets home his wife announces that she's planning to divorce him.

So what can Jordan do? He attempts to sell his collection of paintings, but a dealer tells him they're forgeries (He actually says "feurrrgeries"), and the entire collection is only worth $25,000. And that's just for the frames.

In a session with his analyst, Jordan has a brainstorm: What if he took out a life insurance policy on Clarice, then had her killed? What a quick and easy way to get the money! His analyst vows not to tell anyone, because he takes doctor-patient confidentiality seriously. But can he do it? That day at lunch, his fortune cookie encourages him: "DON'T BE A COWARD! DO IT NOW!!!" After taking in a movie called Die! Die! My Pet, Jordan makes up his mind: He's going to kill his wife.

Before the insurance policy can go into effect, he has to arrange for Clarice to have a physical, which he manages to do without her knowing, in an occasionally funny scene featuring future Karate Kid and Happy Days star Pat Morita as a very sneaky doctor. Then he heads to a bar, where he meets a wacky ethnic guy named Bobo (Bill Dana), and hires him to do the job.

But wait! The insurance guy has bad news: The doctor Jordan hired to do the physical is not a real doctor (of course not... he's a martial arts expert who runs a malt shop!), so the insurance policy is not yet effective! In a panic, Jordan tracks down Bobo, only to discover that Bobo subcontracted another hitman - Patla, another wacky ethnic guy.

So they both track him down, only to discover that he sub-subcontracted another hitman - Dr. Binay, who runs a fat farm, speaks like Bela Lugosi, and employs as a nurse a man in drag. So they all track him down, only to discover that he sub-sub-subcontracted another hitman - CIA agent James Kirsten, who is undercover as a (wacky French) waiter but is secretly a bricklaying enthusiast. And yep, he hired another guy, and he hired another guy, and so on and so forth, and please is this movie over yet?

The early scenes with Jordan scheming to get the money are entertaining enough, with a few clever gags. For example, at the movie theater, he views a scene in which the character names and dialogue are exactly the same as the preceeding divorce scene between himself and his wife.

But as soon as Bobo reveals the existence of Patla, any trace of wit disappears, and instead we get a series of scenes that each serve only to introduce the next wacky ethnic caricature. The writers stop creating jokes; instead, they just sit back and rely on silly men just being silly. It's almost like there are two movies happening here: One is an offbeat but enjoyable enough comedy about a guy trying to kill his wife, and the other one is a loud, obnoxious mess about a bunch of character actors running around acting ridiculous.

COMMENTS:
-Man, there is nothing about this movie on the internet. Even IMDb only has one external review link.

-So how come Bill Dana gets the "Starring" credit when Bob Dishy's Jordan Oliver is the main character? Was Jose Jimenez really that popular?

-When the waiter/CIA agent/bricklayer showed up , I thought it was prolific character actor Vincent Schiavelli, but sadly it was not. It was Richard Libertini, whom I don't think I had ever heard of before.

-There's a gag early on where Jordan sits at a piano, and appears to be beautifully playing a stirring classical piece, but then it's revealed that he's just miming it and the real music is coming from a tiny man playing a tiny piano. It's... odd. And then the art dealer is very short also. This movie clearly believes that short = hilarious.

-One gag during Jordan's search for a hitman involves a flasher on a street corner. Is this just a comedy thing, or did it really exist at some point -- Men standing on street corners wearing large trenchcoats, waiting to open them and reveal their everythings to unsuspecting passersby? If so, where are all the flashers today?

-Apparently this movie sometimes goes by the title Kill My Wife, Please, which is absolutely no better or worse than I Wonder Who's Killing Her Now?

-According to IMDb, director Steven Hilliard Stern also directed a TV movie called Murder in Space. I think I would like to see that.

Letter grade for I Wonder Who's Killing Her Now?: C

I don't know when I'll watch another one of these things, but I'm pretty my next one will be the "Drive-in Classic" Creepers, starring a very young Jennifer Connelly. But I still have 49 drive-in movies and 20 "Cult Classics" left to go, so I have plenty to choose from. Stay tuned!