Drive-in Classic 2 of 50: CREEPERS

Back to the "50 Drive-in Classics" DVD set! Once again I shun the order of the discs, and I jump directly to Creepers, a 1985 horror movie starring a very, very young Jennifer Connelly, before she won an Oscar, before she starred in Career Opportunities or Labyrinth, and before she became one of the most frequently screen-captured women on the internet.

Creepers was directed by Dario Argento, an Italian filmmaker who is quite popular among horror aficionados. He's also the father of actress Asia Argento, who almost became a star after appearing in the craptacular Vin Diesel action movie XXX.

An interesting fact I found in researching this movie online: Creepers is the title of the American cut of this movie, which has been edited to remove some of the gory stuff. The original version of the film is called Phenomena, which should not be confused with the movie Phenomenon starring John Travolta, even though Travolta, like Jennifer Connelly, has appeared in a movie based on a Marvel comic book (Travolta was in The Punisher, Connelly was in The Incredible Hulk).

Anyway. What's this movie about?

THE STORY:
In the first scene, a hapless young tourist girl gets left behind in the Swiss countryside when her tour bus leaves without her. She responds by doing what any smart-thinking person would do: She wanders unannounced into a random house. Seeking help, she shouts "I'm a foreigner!", which struck me as very funny for whatever reason. Argento lets us see that somewhere in the house something is chained to a wall and trying to get loose, but we don't see who or what it is. Before long, the girl is being chased by someone, and then her head gets cut off and thrown over a waterfall. Sploosh!

Months later, her decomposing head (Ewwww!) is examined by police officers and Dr. John McGregor (Donald Pleasance), an insect expert who can tell how long the head has been in the river by the type of maggots that are crawling on it, or something. It's pretty disgusting, but they're all very noncholant about this bodiless head they're looking at. Also: Pleasance has a pet chimp named Tina.

So where's Jennifer Connelly? Oh, here she is. She plays a teenage girl named Jennifer Corvino. Hey, her name is very similar to her actual-for-real name! I wonder if that was deliberate. Jennifer is the daughter of a famous, hunky movie star, so everyone she meets knows who her dad is. When we meet her, her dad's assistant is taking her to a private school, where she'll spend the year while he's in the Phillippines. Also: She likes bugs.

On Jennifer's first night in her room at the school, her roommate casually tells her there's a serial killer in the area. It's like, "Just so you know, sometimes I snore, and we're not allowed in the kitchen, and some guy's been killing people in our neighborhood. Good night!" And then we CUT TO: One of the girls from the school being chased by the unseen killer!

Meanwhile, Jennifer rises from her bed in a trance. Her head is filled with images of a long, bright corridor with doors everywhere, and electronic music plays on the soundtrack, and for just a second it feels like a Labyrinth prequel. But then she wanders outside -- she's sleepwalking! Unfortunately, her sleepwalking takes her right to the site of the latest murder by the killer. Then she falls off a roof, gets hit by a car, gets picked up by some teenage boys, jumps out of the car, and ends up hanging out with Dr. McGregor and his chimp.

Eventually, Dr. McGregor figures out the truth about Jennifer and her affinity for insects. She can actually communicate with them telepathically. She's like Ant-Man, only without the ability to grow and shrink, or the drinking problem (Wow, another Marvel superhero!). And then a bunch of stuff happens, and Jennifer's roommate gets killed by the murderer, and Dr. McGregor figures out that Jennifer can team up with a corpse-detecting fly to track down the killer. Which is a great idea! Except that Jennifer is a 14-year-old girl. So maybe it's not so wise for her to deliberately go to the home of a guy who's brutally murdered several other teenage girls.

I won't reveal the identity of the killer, but I will say that it's not anyone I would have guessed. Also, there are more maggots in this movie than most movies I've seen this year.

LESSONS I LEARNED
-Baby food tastes like cat food.

-It's an accepted scientific fact that insects can communicate via telepathy.

-One should never eat gummy worms while watching a movie that features many, many shots of maggots crawling all over everything.

BODY COUNT
Seven.

Memorable Lines
Roommate: What do you think about before you fall asleep?
Jennifer: My father.
Roommate: If I thought about your father, I’d never get any sleep!

Teacher: (desperately trying to get the class to pay attention) And what about Shakespeare? Mozart, Beethoven? And Richard Wagner?
Student: RICHARD GERE! (Classroom erupts in hollers of girls.)

MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT
When Jennifer finds herself in the killer's house, she ends up falling in a pool of dead bodies, body parts, and sludge in the basement. Yeccch.

COMMENTS
-So, I guess Dario Argento is considered a great horror director, but while this movie was competently made with some real suspense, the blood & guts aren't really my style. I can't imagine what the longer, more graphic version is like.

-It's nice to see Donald Pleasance in a movie where he doesn't get killed by Michael Myers.

-The movie has a largely heavy metal score. Sometimes it's effective, but usually it just draws attention to itself and reminds us that the movie is from 1985. The opening credits list the contributing bands, including Motorhead, Iron Maiden, and Andy Sex Gang. "Andy Sex Gang"?!?

-Tina the chimp is actually a pretty important character in the movie. In fact, if it weren't for her and her quick primate thinking, Jennifer wouldn't survive the movie!

-So Jennifer Connelly is the star of this film, and I know what you're all wondering: Does she appear standing at the end of a pier? (See Dark City, Requiem for a Dream, and House of Sand and Fog). Well, no. But she does run across a dock to a boat at one point! An early-career indication of things to come.

-I like that they don't try too hard to explain Jennifer's power. There's no "You were swarmed by magical insects when you were a baby, and they blessed you with their language!" It's just, "So, you can talk to bugs. Cool."

-I'm not normally one to yell at characters in a movie, but I'll confess that I actually shouted the classic "DON'T GO IN THERE!" to Jennifer during one scene.

-I'm sure today's kids are jaded, but this seems like the type of movie that would have been great to rent in high school with a group of friends and hope the girl you like gets spooked and grabs your arm a lot.

-Whoa! While I've been writing this I'm watching The Tonight Show in the background, and Conan O'Brien just said "Jennifer Connelly" right when I was typing her name! WHOAAAAA! I guess she's going to be on the show next week... I hope they spend the whole time talking about this movie!

-Did I mention there are a lot of maggots in this movie? 'Cause there are a lot of maggots.

Letter grade for Creepers: B-. Like I said, the icky stuff isn't my cup of tea, but I can see how it's a good example of its genre.

Stay tuned for more "drive-in classics!" And maybe some "cult classics!"