Horror Classic 24 of 50: THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE
The Brain That Wouldn't Die is a pretty unlikable movie from 1962. I actually own a tape of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode featuring this movie, so I was already pretty familiar with it. But you may not be so familiar with it, and you may be wondering: Why won't the brain die? Good question! I'll tell you all about it. Synopsis
Bill Cortner is a doctor with big ideas. As the film opens, he is in surgery, and the patient has just died, but he refuses to give up. He opens up the guy's head and pokes his brain for a while, and whaddyaknow? He comes back to life! Bill's dad is also a doctor, but Daddy doesn't approve of Bill's unconventional methods... and he really doesn't approve of Bill's crazy ideas about transplanting body parts from one person to another. Oh, and he REALLY REALLY doesn't approve of Bill stealing limbs and brains and stuff from the hospital for his experiments.
Bill's girlfriend is Jan. She loves him a lot and wants to get married. They're about to go out after work when Bill receives a call from his colleague Kurt. Kurt says Bill must return to his house out in the country immediately, because something terrible is happening. Bill and Jan hop in the car, and Bill drives like a mad scientist out of Hell, which is not a very good idea because he crashes his car.
Bill recovers from the accident without a scratch. As for Jan... well, she doesn't have a scratch either, but she also doesn't have a head. Bill grabs her decapitated noggin, wraps it in his coat, and runs and runs and runs as if he's trying to score a touchdown. When he arrives at his country house, he rushes to his lab and goes about trying to bring Jan's head back to life.
Success! Congratulations, Bill, your girlfriend's not dead! But now she's just a head, which has its disadvantages. You can't walk down the beach holding her hand, or go ballroom dancing with her. On the other hand, you could still take her bowling, but she'd have to be the ball.
Jan is furious at Bill, and alternates between begging him to let her die and telling how much she hates him. But he's not done yet: That night he goes to a sleazy club to look for a woman whose body he might use to make his ladyfriend whole again. He almost finds what he's looking for in a slutty dancer, but then another slutty dancer interferes and ruins the whole thing. Oh, and that scene ends with the two women rolling around on the floor in a scantily-clad catfight. I assure you, it's completely necessary to the story.
Meanwhile, Head-Jan has made contact with the terrible thing Kurt mentioned earlier. It's some kind of creature, the result of an experiment gone wrong, that Bill is keeping locked in a closet. Monster in the Closet and Head on a Plate become BFFs in no time, and plot their revenge against Bill. The next day, Bill goes out again to stare at women below the neck. His friend Donna invites him to a "Body Beautiful" pageant, which gives us a scene full of scantily-clad women posing. I assure you, it's completely necessary to the story. But Bill knows he's hit the jackpot when Donna reminds him of their mutual friend Doris, who has "the best body" she's ever seen.
Bill finds Doris posing for a photography class (scantily- and necessarily-clad, of course). They exchange some light-hearted small talk. Wait, no. They talk about the horrible scar on Doris's face, given to her by a real jerk of an ex-boyfriend. Bill tells Doris he's a doctor and he has just the thing to fix her face. She agrees to come to his lab with him, right then and there. She doesn't even take the time to set the TiVo for Chuck.
Just before they get there, Head-Jan commands Closet Monster to kill Kurt. The monster rips Kurt's arm off, and Kurt stumbles around the house, getting blood all over everything, which really isn't very considerate of him. When Bill shows up, he drugs Doris and prepares to subtract her head and add Jan's head to her body... but Jan has other ideas, and she has the monster on her side.
Is It Scary?
Nope. I would consider this more of a science fiction film than a horror film. Heck, I'd consider it more of an exploitation film than a horror film. It's pretty much a movie about a doctor staring at women.
Lessons I Learned
- Obey posted speed limits
- Disembodied heads can speak.
- Bill: "You've been wonderful."
Jan: "I'd rather be a bride!" - Slutty brunette: "Who's to tell me to blow if I don't want to?"
- Jan to Closet Monster: "I'm only a head, and you're whatever you are, but together... we're strong."
Four. That seems to be a standard for the "classic horror" movies.
Comments
• As I said, I'm pretty familiar with the Mystery Science Theater version of this movie, so I was really, really missing the wisecracks this time around.
• Over the course of the film, Jan says "Let me die!" or a variation thereof eight times.
• The monster makeup was pretty good for the era. The monster himself sort of reminded me of Sloth from The Goonies.
• Who's the hero of this film? The lead character, Bill, is a sick egomaniac who's keeping his girlfriend's head alive against her wishes. But Jan isn't any more likable... She's all whiny and vindictive. Maybe the hero is Kurt, although he doesn't actually do anything heroic. What a stupid movie.
• I guess men got pretty excited seeing this in 1962 and catching glimpses of legs, midriffs, and even -- whoa! -- some cleavage.
• The opening credits clearly state that the movie is called The Brain That Wouldn't Die... but then the end title says The Head That Wouldn't Die. Oops. I guess the latter would make more sense... It's her whole head that stays alive, after all.
Letter grade for The Brain That Wouldn't Die: C-
Next film in the 50-movie set: King of the Zombies. After previous experiences with this DVD set, a movie with the word "zombie" in the title does not do much to excite me.
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